Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Mr Vegetable Goes For A Wander

Mr Vegetable Goes For A Wander

Mr Vegetable woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his delight, that his wife had forgotten to chain him up for the night. He decided to go for a wander, so headed out confidently, but got no further than the landing just outside the bedroom door when he fell down a rabbit hole, which he did not remember having been there.

If you know for a fact that you are a vegetable, then you should accept your status and should learn to live within your limitations. But Mr Vegetable persisted in seeing visions and dreaming dreams. He did this far more often than was good for him.

He imagined, for example, that he joined up with the mobile light infantry and ended up on a battlefield fighting hordes of chittering spider-collosal aliens, as showcased in the movie STAR TROOPER 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION.

In another fantasy, he was the Emperor of Alberta, the most oil-rich nation on planet Earth, and he led his severely outnumbered forces to victory in a nuclear war against CanaFed, the cruel imperialistic power of Federated Canada, which had the rapacious hegemonistic aim of seizing Alberta's oil wealth so the Feds could do a Communistic divvy-up and share Alberta's God-given birthright with all the children of the Federation.

And, worse, he had made the mistake of thinking he could wander off into a realm far from the comforting touch of his wife's slim but reassuring hand. And now he was paying a terrible price for his presumption.

He was falling down the rabbit hole, and it seemed to be infinite. However, it was lined with shelves, and there were books on the shelves. He decided he had time for some light reading, so he started plucking up volumes as he passed. But they were all propaganda works from the Ministry of Information of the Chinese People's Republic. None of the titles looked tempting:
THE DALI LAMA: ARCH-SPLITTER AND MAJOR DRUGLORD; THE DALI LAMA: HIS ROLE IN THE THALIDOMIDE SCANDAL; THE DALI LAMA AND THE CASE OF THE INFANT SEX SLAVES; THE LOVE NEST: THREE IN A BED (GEORGE W. BUSH, KARL ROVE AND THE DALI LAMA.) THE DALI LAMA: HIS EARLY YEARS AS COMMANDANT OF THE AUSCHWITZ DEATH CAMP.
One by one, Mr Vegetable discarded the books, which went screaming down to inflict serious injuries on tourists sunbathing on the coastal beaches of Libya, the new Mediterranean playground. Those beaches were what lay directly below.

Giving up on the idea of reading, Mr Vegetable began to daydream his way into the palace of the Emperor of Alberta. There, after spending a little time fooling with a few of his twenty-seven concubines, he went to the Senate Building to give a speech:
THE CASE FOR FREEDOM-LOVING ALBERTA TO MAKE WAR ON HEGEMONISTIC CANADA, LAND OF EVIL, AND DESTROY THAT POLLUTED MUTANT ENTITY UTTERLY.
The speech was amazingly good and was rapturously received.
The moral of the story is this: even if you are irrevocably doomed to living as a vegetable, life can still be fun.

About Alberta's oil, if you're sceptical about this, the following page will put you in the picture:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4649580.stm

Quote:

"Canada is a modest and unassuming place when compared with its great big neighbour to the south. But now it has plenty to boast about: world-beating oil reserves in Alberta which are finally being brought into production after decades of talk.

Oil sands from the air
The oil sands could hold trillions of barrels - if it can be extracted

[Alberta is experiencing a huge and expensive oil rush, and Fort McMurray is at the centre of it.]

[The oil is bound up in black bituminous sand close to the surface. But even though the reserves are so huge and so obvious the oil sands have to be steam heated to release the oil.]

The Americans who are fighting in Iraq are obviously too far from home. Instead of making war in the Middle East, America should just have invaded Canada, which has more oil than the Middle East has ever dreamt of.

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