I Want To Sign Up
The movie STARSHIP TROOPER 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION opens with a marvelously convincing promo which encourages us to enlist in the Mobile Light Infantry.
"We need heroes!"
Note that his is an equal-opportunity slaughter force, and they will happily recruit girls as well as boys.
The guy they put up on screen to talk to you is very much the Ultimate Recruiter, and just looking at him gives you a warm "me can too" feeling, and you want to sit down to have your "sign here, please" moment with him.
I am persuaded, and wish to join, for the reasons given below, but there are problems, which I will itemize later.
To begin with, we are cued to the background, which is that the monstrous and monstrously evil aliens, the arachnids, have launched an unprovoked attack on the planet Buenos Aires. The heroes of the Federation have struck back and have archived victory on the field of valor.
Now, "armed with victory" (marvelous words!) the forces of the Federation are pushing on into the heartland of enemy territory to "bring war to the bug."
The ultimate Recruiting Sergeant, a most wonderfully enthusiastic militarist, invites you to join the heroes of the Federation, and "Press on to glory!"
Which you will surely want to once you see the amazingly gaudy banner, a flag that anyone would be proud to die under, raised in victory on a battlefield on some planet far off in outer space.
So I ardently wish to join this magnificent enterprise, but have to confront the following unpalatable facts:
1. I am too old.
2. I have family commitments.
3. I would never pass the medical.
4. My rusty high school French is inadequate for me to function effectively in the Francophone environment of the Mobile Light Infantry.
Over and above that, on searching the Internet I have found an ominous silence on the subject of our war against the evil aliens of Arachnid. This silence suggests to me that maybe the war is over. If so, I sincerely hope that we won.
However, that said, even if reality were to be revised and the Mobile Light Infantry were to be ready to sign me on, I think I would bow out at that stage.
The thing is, I don't like creepy crawlies, not even little ones. And these arachnids - oh boy! The very lightest and smallest of these monstrosities must weigh at least as much as a hippopotamus.
I haven't seen the first STARSHIP TROOPERS movie but I did once read the Heinlein novel on which it was based, and if there was ever a book which was capable of bringing out the latent militarist in you, that's the one.