Report to the Sanctuary Council on Darfur
With humility and in a spirit of trembling awe, I bow my worthless head and petition the Council to accept my wretched report.
True to the vow that I took on my Day of Ordeal, I must cleave to the truth, though the truth is so shocking that my bowels turn to water as I approach it.
The truth, the bald and unvarnished truth, the hideous and unpardonable truth, is that the shocking rumors which have been filtering out from this planet are true.
The last of the ice has indeed retreated, and now the mammoths of Darfur are no more. The Holy Animal is gone from the Holiest Place, sanctified forever by the role it played in the Ascension of Vezaletta Hilton, the One Pure Virgin.
Where the Sacred Lords once roamed, now there is nothing but a slightly radioactive wasteland infested by hominid apes. On consulting with Survey's Evolutionary Potential report, these homids would seem to have evolved from a creature which the report choses to designate as "baboons," which are rated as being intrinsically smart, murderous, cruel, curious, destructive and barbaric.
In light of the hominid ape behavior which has been observed by my own humble eyes (see the appendix marked ATROCITY EXHIBITION and its companion piece, BODY COUNT DYNAMIC) these truly disgusting ape things have fulfilled all the worst that was latent in their baboon ancestors.
At the risk of causing offence, and conscious that I am breaching protocol by trying my hand at something which it is not legal for me to do, I hereby venture to put forth a suggestion.
The insult to the sacred sanctum of Darfur must be avenged. The blood of all our ancestors for the last ten billion years thirsts for the blood of appeasement.
I, humbly conscious of my status as living excrement, tentatively submit, therefore, that these unspeakably vile hominid apes be extirpated forthwith. A suitable method, I suggest, would be to crack their planet into rubble then add the waste rock to the asteroid belt which is, as I am sure you will all be aware, one of the leading features of the system of this unitary sun.
May the spirit of God be with you and with the mercy of Zad the Impaler, blessed be His name, be forever with your shadow.
Hozola Rabista, Director, Deathspan Consultants Transgalactica.