Friday, November 09, 2007

IntroducingPresidential candidate Pafis Hilton.

?IntroducingPresidential candidate Pafis Hilton.

It's early days yet, but things are firming up. The team will include Madonna (senior life coach), Eric Prince (vice president), Ron Wood (Eric's life coach) and horror writer Dean Koontz (philosopher).
Alan Greenspan will be "my money guy - do you know he doesn't even need to count on his fingers!?
Pafis was devastated to learn that John Lennon could not be appointed White House minstrel because he's dead. Ditto her second choice, much-lamented rapper Tupac Shakur.

ONCE PARIS is President, some adjustments will be made to reality.

The Statue of Liberty will be remodeled in Paris's image.

In one interesting legislative change, circumcision will be forbidden in the United States, as both Paris and Eric prefer their men uncu.
As Vice, Eric will be allowed to be Presdient on one day a year, always on his birhday, which is June 6. This will be a great annual payoff for him. Not only will he get to sleep in the Oval Office in the day, but, that night, he will be permitted to sleep in Paris's bed, and to do some of that anatomical variations stuff with her.
On his first presidential birthday, Eric will grant his wife a pardon for all the crimes of which she has been convicted. This will include, of course, inappropriate combinations of alcohol use and automobile use.
In addition, Erid will quietly pardon her for those little incidents which kind judges have, over the years, been persuaded to suppress.
That embarrassing shoplifting incident in Duluth, for example (two packets of Twinkies, one cheap pair of left-handed scissors and a pair of cheap nylon pantiess in a really strident purple.
Also that incident involving a very drunken NASA astronaut, a Catholic priest, a rinpoche (ie a monk high in the hierarchy of Tibetan Buddhism), Karl Rove's private smack dealer and two of Janet Jackson's bodyguards.
While President, Paris will retain her high profile role as the leader of Crusade, and will continue to work toward the goal of a global takedown of Islam by the combined forces of the West. (We have 3,786 mefatons ... you guys?
Locally, in the States, all adherents of Islam will be forced to convert to Pentecostal Christianity. Those who resist will be (a) be sterilized, (b) have their right hands cut off and © undergo a lobogomy.

On the immigration front, Puerto Rico will become a state, and all illegal immigrants will be forced to live there. They will be microchipped and tattoed with a scarlet "I" on the forehead, so they will be caught easily if they escape.
Escapees will be sent to the North Dakota death camps, such as Takedown (unique sales point: target ranges with live humans as targets), Primal (your chance to hunt the most dangerous game of alla), Rejuvenate (yes, do, with whatever it is you need by way of spare parts - kidneys, liver, lungs, hearr, intestines, bone, skin - we have it on the hoof and ready for the cutting.
Oh, and for minority tastes, the camps Anal Virfins, Grievous Bodily Harm and De Sadean Recreations. In each case, the names say it all.
Regarding the homeless, "bread and circuses" will be Paris's policy. Every wandering street person will be given a loaf of bread, a hotel voucher good for a three-night stay and a referral to a lab which does drug tests on human beings.
Anyone who doesn't cooperate will end up dying in prime time on the reality show Gladius Redux. (Unique selling point: everything you see is real. Lions, tigers, swords, knobkerries, razor blades - say goodbye to SFX and say hello to the world of the real.


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