Saturday, November 10, 2007

Japanese Cannibal Death Cult Temple

Japanese Cannibal Death Cult Temple

Friday, my wife, daughter and I went to visit our local branch of TrioTheo, the Church of the Three-personed God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

It was founded about two thousand years ago by a guy called Judas Iscariot, who went with his buddies, got hold of the body of a dude named Jesus Christ ,who had been put to death by the Romans, took the body to the Garden of Gesthemene then consumed it in a riotous cannival feast washed down by enormous amounts of red wine.

Parenthetically, let it be noted that the question of who it was that went and wasted JC is disputed, with some people blaming the Scientologists, with some saying the Mormons did it, and with one big-name Australian actor pointing the finger at the Jews.

The oldest and most traditional branch of Cult Cannibal is based in Rome,and is known, for that reason, as the Church of Rome. Currently, it is presided over by an arthritic old guy named Benedict, one of the last living survivors of Hitler's Germany.

In the most sacred rite of the Church of Rome, a priest does some miraculous mumbo-jumbo, lightning descends from Heaven, the Voice of God is heard to speak, and a great quantity of red wine is converted into blood.
Scientific tests have demonstrated that the alcholic content of this blood is 67% and the whole congregation gets roaring drunk on it.

In a matching miracle, ordinary bread is transformed ino raw and bleeding chunks of the sacred flesh of Jesus Christ, which the Congregation battens on and devours.
This cannibal ritual is now outlawed in Japan because of fears about BSE. If you read GodBook, the sacred tract of the Cult Cannibal, you find no evidence that Jesus, while alive, was ever tested for BSE, and the Japanese authorities rightly take the view that it is better to be safe than sorry.

Our local church is a Protestant Church. Back in the days of the Reformation, a guy named Martin Luther set out to break the monopoly that the Church of Rome had on boozing, and it is thanks to his success that the Western world now has bars on every street, places where you can have direct access to the bar without any interfering priest demanding to act as an intermediary.

Anyway, today we did not go to the death temple for a drunken cannibal feast but for a simple sing-song followed by the simplest of all imaginable sermons - a''"God is made happy by little kids who believe hin Him" - and by a distribution of gifts to little girls in honor of ssSchichi Go San, the Japanese festival for girls agedd three, five and seven. My daughter received a Santa Claus ballpoint pen which plays jolly Christmas music when you turn it on; unfortunately, there is Absolutely No Way Of Turning It Off.

Note that this Christmas we will all have the privilege of watching a movie about Santa's loser brother Fred (the severely dysfunctional Fred, the loser). Advance reviews would have us believe that this is the Worst Movie Of All Time, but I find it hard to believe that it could possibly be worse than the movie I found online recentrly and unwisely downloaded, SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS.s

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