Monday, November 12, 2007

Paris Hilton interview: Jail Life, Drugs, Mystery Meat?

Paris Hilton interview: Jail Life, Drugs, Mystery Meat? Author Hugh Cook interviews jailbird Paris Hilton, the girl who likes to cuddle up with a bottle in a car.

HUGH: What did you like about jail?
PARIS: Like?
HUGH: Well, there must've been something.
PARIS: "You're kidding."
HUGH: Okay, a few things you didn't like. Off the top of your head ..."
PARIS: Uh ... Mystery meat. Coke cut with talc. Pre-loved toilet paper."
HUGH: "Uh ... exactly how mysterious is the mysery meat?
Sometimes not nearly mysterious enough. I mean, sometimes it's just like, bleh, yuk, what IS this? Tinned baby snot? Second-hand placentas from the maternity hospital just down the road.
"But other times, gugh, I've seen ants, flies, spiders, bits of roach, once a wasp, and then there was this wee little tail, kind of cute but sad, some poor little mouse ... then I'm pulling on this thing and WHOA! it's not little at all, it's fucking huge, and at the end ofit there's this huge chunk of grickly-grackle stuff with bones and furs and legs, two legs, it's a Fucking Rat, the, how do you call it? - the bugger port?
HUGH: Hindquarters?
PARIS: No, we're not talking quarters.It was at least half, half a rat sitting on my plate!
So S I complain to the kitchen, and Jane, this mouthy black bitch, she says to me, Piss off, ho!"
HUGH: Ho, huh?
PARIS: Yes, can you believe it ? I mean, she's a junky, a coke whore - say, can I call this big fat bitch from watermelon a nigger.
HUGH: Uh, I'd have to check our style book but, off the top of my head, no, I rather think the answer will turn out to be no. We will retranscript the interview to reflect the fact that Ms Hilton went to the food preparation area to remonstrate about some unrequested protein additives, and the servitor, who was a member of that group which the National Association for the Advancement of Colored
People exists to serve, had the temerity to make a remark suggesting that the sacred Shrine of aLove ensconced between Ms Hilton's thighs was a slutty piece of Las Vegas. Okay, Paris, another question. Now you've had a taste of reality - I mean real reality - how does it stack up against reality TV?

PARIS: "REALITY? It's bad. I mean, I can't tell you how bad it is. It's gruesome. Finally you understand why drugs were invented."
HUGH: And have you been able to get drugs in prison?
PARIS: Not as such, But they have this weird Chinese toothpaste, and if you eat four or five tubes of it - they're really small suckers - you can go to some really strange places in your head.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seeing as you seem to be on a Paris kick at the moment, you might enjoy the interview with David Letterman in September.

10:52 PM  

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